Dearest Mari Dot,

I have only been gone 12 hours. Please don't stand in the window and meow at top volume, the neighbours will call the RSPCA. You haven't been starved, and you know damn well the bathroom tap drips. You're fine. Your fur is still fluffy, and you still weigh a ton. All is right with the world, so quit that meowing!

Much cuddles and love.